Children of Dysfunction

My mother and her siblings had a rough start. My grandmother was only 15 years older than my mother, and she had three children after her very quickly. My mother and Aunt were the oldest, followed by my two uncles. I have heard some pretty horrific stories from both my mother and my Aunt Toni of their life growing up with an immature mother. My grandmother’s inability to care for her own children resulted in their abuse and neglect. It’s no wonder they struggled with their past as much as they did, when there was so much of it to deal with.

I recognize we are not all capable of handling life’s tragedies, even though we are all equipped to do so. Before you challenge the second part of my statement, hear me out. Once you get your hot little fingers on a copy of Streets of Grace: Volume 1 – The Formative Years, and you read all that I went through, you’ll wonder how I made it through seemingly normal. Elvis did say “Everything’s a nail to a hammer,” that’s not just a verse in Long Live the Chief (a song by Jidenna). This means that if you have only one tool, you will approach everything the same. Unfortunately that is what happened to my mother and aunt. They’re childhood abuse, compounded with the era they grew up in, among other variables limited them on the tools they were given to succeed in life. So it’s unfair to judge someone based on the limited information we see on the outside. Both women have buried their sons and lived through it. They’ve been abused and found safety. They’ve made mistakes as mothers but loved their children like only a mother would understand. They’ve struggled to maintain their sanity in a culture that says mental illness is a weakness that can easily be overcome if you just pray more (which pisses me off, but that’s another blog entry).

In my lifetime there has been more advancements in technology and medical science, than in the previous 20 years alone, thus affording me with more knowledge and tools that are readily available than that of previous generations. A few weeks ago I visited the doctor online, she prescribed the anti-vertigo meds I needed, and before we disconnected I received a text from my pharmacy saying my prescription was ready.

I say all this to say, the way I’ve been able to overcome my life’s tragedies is to first acknowledge they happened. Then telling those situations I will no longer allow them to control my life. I understood that those negative things impacted the way I lived, thought and succeeded. I read other people’s stories of triumph over tragedy, and grew strength from them. Sometimes you have to rely on the spiritual strength of others, until you are strong enough to stand on your own. I allowed myself to be angry, but gave it a deadline. When that deadline came up and I was still angry, I acknowledged that I needed to move on to acceptance, and I practiced it. I’m not special because I’ve been able to do this, others who have had horrible and tragic lives have turned from being a victim to a victor as well. We are all equipped to becoming victor’s whether we are all capable is the difference.

When Dorian was taking guitar lessons, we made him practice for an hour every day. He eventually became better with practice. Same with acceptance, it has to be practiced. I began to understand everything that happens in our lives doesn’t come with meaning, or reason. Sometimes people are just assholes looking for whoever they can destroy and it just happen to be the Tuesday you were in the donut shop while their latte order was messed up. So I learned to stop taking everything so serious, stop looking for a deeper meaning in everything, stop searching for understanding in everything. I was reading the Bible one day, and it stated “Understanding comes from God.” I immediately shut up and there was my release. I don’t need to understand every damn thing. (Yeah, I love Jesus, but I cuss a little). Some things we’ll understand eventually. There are some people gifted in quantum physics, great, do your thang, not my gift, don’t understand it, and I’m okay with that. People in the world are fucked up assholes that do horrible things to one another, including children. Don’t understand it, never will, hope there’s an especially hot place in hell for them where they are raped daily with a hot poker for all of eternity (seriously though, if you go back up and read, I did say “seemingly” normal right?).  

Bottom line is, we all have to deal with the life we’ve lived, whether it has been awesome or horrible. It shapes who we are, and who we are to become. I’ve met some folks who have never had to struggle a day in their life, so when they are hard pressed to buy that Starbuck’s latte they are ready to fold up shop and die. Every nerve ending in my body wants to scream at these pampered nitwits, but that would be the same as judging someone who has had it rough like myself and hasn’t quiet become the victor in their own life story. We can’t change our history, all we can do is change our reaction to it in the present to alter how it will affect our future, and while we’re on that journey, help someone else find their healing and forgiveness.

Continue to love and f;ght,

Andrea Y. Jones